A broken record of her confession

Photo by Mandy Faith

"I thought the chapters were over. Apparently I was the only one who closed the book."

"I mean it's admirable though. Keeping all those feelings for all these years? Alone? Without any communication whatsoever? That man is a badass. A keeper material indeed."

"I know. Which is why I don't want him to end up with an asshole like me. He deserves better. Ends up with me will be a miserable ending for his future. God is not that mean for pairing him up with a girl who can't even appreciate his delicate affection for something so silly like grammar errors. And notably, he doesn't deserve a girl who makes fun and jokes around on how countrified his name is. That's utterly rude and impolite."

"But he's literally someone who fits every expectation you've dreamt before. Count the stupidest ones in. It's like you listed those criteria and then BAM! he appeared out of nowhere."

"THAT. IS. ALSO. WHY. He is too good to be true. Besides good boy ain't no fun, you know. I never expected them to be that boring."

"Oh, c'mon! Loving a bad guy isn't fun either."

"Well, at least they're cool."

"That's seriously moronic."

"I'm sure he had moved one. Just like me. There are just million girls with better personalities who want to have a good man like him. Why choose the bad one out of hundreds baskets of good apples? I believe he's smart enough to know that."

"I think the problem is he doesn't know who you truly are. He thought you're a good girl. The one who rises early in the middle of the misty night to pray."

"Yeah, I kinda feel guilty for that. I was portraying someone whose personalities a whole universe apart with the real me in front of him. What a bitch, eh? Sometimes I just want to smack myself with a hammer."

"Don't you ever think you're just being overly confident?"

"I did. I mean, who knows if he already had another girl with gazillion better traits somewhere?"

"Yeah, you're right."

"And besides, it'll be such a fool of him if he want to wait years and years for a girl like me. I seriously don't think I am that worthy. Well I'm not trying to bring myself down. I'm just trying to describe how good he is as a man and how he deserves a good girl to complete his perfect life."

"People will think you're an ungrateful wicked woman though."

"I am aware of that. Completely. I know I'm just that shallow girl who cannot accept a little flaw like typo or grammar errors when many women out there were crying over their men who did the cheating and beating. I am too shallow. I know. And as cheesy as it may sound, I'll say it once again, but I don't deserve him. He deserves a good girl who likes him back, who loves his whole being as much as he loves hers, who accepts him as who he is."

"You used to think marrying for God is the coolest thing ever. You are the one who said that a woman needs to marry a man who can make her closer to the Creator."

"Indeed. That's true. The thing is; it is easier to be said than it is to be done. Even till now I can't imagine myself lives with another human being. Let alone someone that I don't feel attracted with. I always know I am going to live a lonely and loveless life. I'm just too ridiculous and greedy and selfish for the world to take in."

"You surely have such a sad and desolate depiction to picture your future."

"Yeah, I am a dark kid. LOL."

"Are you sure the "typo and grammar errors" thing is the sole reason you can't accept him?"

"I don't know. I can't guarantee my feeling will stay the same forever. I mean people changed. All the time. As of now, my feeling stops at admiration. For sure, he is a good man. Proven. I just can't bring myself to like him back."

"The world is a such a weird place, eh? You wish someone with the exact same personalities like him come to like you, but when he did, you don't like him. What a twist!"

"I know right. People would probably wonder how can I be so picky with a face like this? I will perhaps forever lose the chance to be loved by someone else if I manage to reject him. I don't have a lot of choices. That's true. But do I have to accept anything that is thrown at me just because I am ugly? Do I have to marry anyone who loves me just because I'm not good looking enough to attract other people? What kind of sick judgement is that? It's discrimination. I am offended."

"No one ever said something like that to you though."

"I know. I just thought, perhaps, sometimes, people were thinking about me like that. They just didn't have the courage to spit it out directly in front of me. Ha. Ha. What am I talking about? Human judges another human is a basic common sense anyway."

"Don't you fear the repentance? Later?"

"First of all, we have to get the fact straight. Who said he still has the feeling lingers for me? It's all SPECULATION. He never offered me a promise, I never demanded any fulfillment. That's the fact. I really don't get why people think we have this some sort of contract for always coming back to each other whatever happens. People keep telling me life is not Korean dramas. Then, I say, YES. This isn't. This is life. The real one. Where the sweetness sometimes cannot cover up the bitterness that comes. You know, I can barely love myself on a daily basis. But when I do myself a favor for choosing something that I feel right, people told me I am selfish. What the fuck."

"You don't answer my question by the way."

"Well, as much as I hate people telling me "Told ya!", I can sense a great remorse is waiting in the future. Preparing to attack and to turn me into a big burrito of sadness. But, does it change my decision? Nope. Not even an inch. What should I do? I'm always this stubborn. That's why a good camaraderie never occurred between love and I. We'll forever be in this eternal space of luckless romance hating on each other. "

"Whatever choices you make, I hope you're just joking when you said you want to love a bad boy. There is nothing fun in it. You knew that long ago."

"I'm still thinking they're fun and cool though. LOL."

"Oh, please."

"I am probably the biggest hopeless romantic that lives on Earth now. My vision on love and partnership keeps changing more often than the weather. Sometimes I believe in marriage. Sometimes I think it's just bullshit. Someone keeps saying that my decision for always avoiding him is the sign that I'm still having certain feelings. Yes, I do. They are hatred and regret. If only I could cancel our first rendezvous, I would. If only I could remove him completely out of my life and forget who he is, I definitely would. To summarize, I prefer my world without his existence. Or his world without mine."

"How come you have all those ugly feelings for him while all he did is just silently loving you? It's something that I can't make sense of."

"I am an enigma even for myself."

"Still, it does not justify how cruel you are for the boy."

"Cruel? Really? To be honest, what did I do to him that make you think I am the bad guy?"

"You're giving him a false hope."

"In what way??"

"You shouldn't act nice to him if you don't intend to let him in."

"I didn't act nice. I did what I should. He asked me a question, I answered it with an answer. I didn't even asking him back to make the conversation longer."

"You should just remove his account from your friend list then."

"Hahaha. And changing my phone number too I guess? Am I a childish bastard too now?"

"You are."

"Whatever. I'll try my best to make him go. I don't want him to come to me again. If he had already forgotten me, that's 1000x better. Although he's the jewel and I am just a poor beggar, it doesn't mean I have to accept the jewel just because I am poor. Someone can marry someone else with the same gender, I can also have a freedom to reject a good boy. Somehow, I hope people will also realize that I'm just human with feelings. The fact that he is nice and I'm not does not vindicate the decision that I have to accept him. In fact, the thought of forcing myself to let him in makes me hate both of us more. It's just weird. 

I think people just keep focusing on the 'rejection' part more than the whole situation. I reject him means I hurt him. I waste a good man. Then what about me? Accepting him means hurting myself. Do I have to suffer my whole life? A kid told me that other people may interfere my speech and correct my grammar but they don't have the right to do the same with my life decision. I mean my choice in rejecting him is literally saving both of us from the seemingly doom-like situation. Isn't that good enough?"

"Not everyone can understand your mind."

"Believe it or not, I don't understand it either. 

Anyway, life, as everyone knows, is a roller coaster that goes either up or down multiple times without warning. It's unforeseeable. As much as I wish my life to go on and on as I want, it won't. I cannot control it. I will never have the remote controller. 

I may regain  my trust on marriage someday. But I need someone who is capable enough to convince me. And I'm not hoping much on that. I mean, I'm not hoping that particular someone to exist.

People changed but memories stay the same. And this guy, no matter how insignificant his figure is in my life, I am forever changed by his existence, by who he was in my past. In fact, he is one of the sole reasons why, sometimes, I don't believe in true love, marriage, lover, partnership, whatsoever. He changed my perspective so much I almost wanted to erase him completely out of my life although all he did is nothing but confessing his feeling. That one move affects me to the extent that I almost decided to never get married, yet he doesn't know it. It frightens me."

"..."

"You know I don't hate him, I just wish we never met."

**