Monday, July 31, 2017

It was a good day.


Kemarin lalu saya nemu buku catatan kecil yang nyelempit di belakang tas. Saya ingat pernah membelinya untuk mencatat hal-hal yang perlu diingat, seperti daftar belanjaan, download-an drama, harus ngopi film apa aja kalo ke warnet, and other miscellaneous things. Buku catatan ini sempat menghilang, tapi saya tidak ingat pernah berusaha untuk mencarinya. Buku ini saya biarkan mengembara. Entah jatuh di balik lemari atau katut terbuang bersama seplastik sampah, saya tidak begitu peduli.

Namun kemarin lalu saya menemukannya lagi. Saya buka-buka lembarannya dan menemukan coretan acak daftar belanjaan, juga ada catatan persiapan tes CPNS. Ah, batin saya. Buku ini pasti memutuskan hilang sekitar tahun 2015. Not a good year, batin saya. Pantas kalau kamu ingin minggat.

Lalu di lembar-lembar terakhir saya nemu catatan panjang sekali. Penuh coretan. Pun tak runut. Waktu saya baca, isinya seperti diari. Namun kemudian saya mengernyit. I sounded rather happy here. Kok bisa?

2015 was hell. I find it fascinating that I could find the time to write pages of what I was feeling at that time. And I was not sad!  

Saya coba untuk mengetik ulang apa yang saya tulis di buku catatan kecil tadi just so that I can remember. 
Even in my darkest time, I still can find something to be thankful for. Yes, I was not happy, but I also wasn't sad. When you have a bad impression of something--whether it's a moment, a person, something- and you think about it for a long long time, sometimes they turn worse in your head. Without you knowing. They become bigger monsters than they actually are. You hate and are afraid of them more and more, when in reality (perhaps) they aren't actually that bad.

Today, for the first time in a few months, I feel so alive. So grateful to be alive, to be exact. Nobokov's Lolita on my lap, the cast of sunshine on my skin and the February breeze stroked my veil gently. I fall deep in silence, trying to observe my surrounding. And I thought how selfish I am for not realizing the beauty of this amazing mundane life.

I might not be in the best chapter of my life. I'm unemployed. I still haven't found my road yet. I'm confused and suffocated. But here I am. Breathing. Feeling. Alive.

As I look at my juniors' smiley faces, I start to wonder, "Were there times when I felt that happy?" The beginning of a semester. A new start. A new blank page. How exciting was that? To see your peers again after a long holiday. And then found out that the class was canceled and you have the rest of the day free. The February sky was also unusually clear (today). What's not to be happy about?

Sometimes I miss moments like that. To be so ignorant of the future. Enjoying the present. Busy being young. Not afraid to be broken. In no worry of recklessness. Sometimes I regret for not treasuring the seemingly unimportant moments like that. For being so unaware of how exciting and enjoyable youth is. For not appreciating my friends better. For not remembering their laughter and kindness and companionship properly. Our journey is buried in the box named "PAST". And I can't recover them. Forever. It's sad. It is. But that's life.

Now, if we try to talk realistically, being young is sometimes not equal to being fearless. As far as I remember, I have always been afraid of being broken. I was also worried of my future. I was actually TOO enjoying the moment, the guilty pleasure of laziness, the not-doing-anything memorable kind of events, that sometimes I forgot I was so living in the present, I never worried whether I'll feel the pressure of not remembering this moment in the future.

It's easy to dramatize your adolescence really. Because being young sometimes remind you of the bliss in learning new things. For example: how to cope with a broken heart. For some reason I always love the feeling of helplessness when I'm brokenhearted. The pain. The urge to be dramatic. It's all so cinematic. I always feel like a character inside an indie movie. 

I was lying when I said I write better when I was heartbroken. I write sad things better, yes. But writing lovey-dovey things when you're aching for the presence of someone else, is not an easy thing to do. This is why I always think I'm not a good writer. Sometimes I'm too honest. I started describing my own feeling. 

To be a good story teller you need to be an amazing liar. And lately I found myself fell in the pit of horrid honesty that I couldn't escape from.

All in all, I am happy today. I'm happy at the moment. I like being lost in the crowd. Writing this and listening to foreign songs.

The sky is blue, the storm has passed, and the leaves falling elegantly in front of my bench. It's all perfect. Happiness should look like this. 

For the first time in a few month, this is me --the once shattered soul-- enjoying the present.

And also for the first time in a long time, I finally can say, "I enjoy being alive."



I'm really sorry for this sappy, cheesy and cringy trash xD Udah alurnya nggak jelas. Kadang nggak nyambung. Penuh kontradiksi sana sini. I also wasn't paying attention to grammar at all. Mungkin waktu itu saya cuma pengen nulis. Nggak peduli ejaan bener apa salah, grammar cemang-cemong apa nggak. Guess I was just too happy for being happy. Jadi saya ingin abadikan :D

It must have been a really good day kalau sampai saya tulis begini. Karena pada dasarnya saya nggak biasa nulis diari atau jurnal secara manual. Karena saya selalu gatel pengen ngecek apakah ejaan saya salah apa bener, grammarnya gimana, blablabla xD Saya nggak ingat sih  hari itu ada apaan, but it must have been a really good day.

It was a good day.


Saturday, July 29, 2017

A little announcement (and changing my blog name!)


I'm not going to waste another second of your life reading about me saying sorry (AGAIN) for not updating much, because (honestly) I'm probably going to do the same thing again for a couple of months later :s

Hehe. JOKING!!!

Anyway, I have two little UN-important announcements to make today.

First, I'm changing the name of this blog to "PAPER HEART" instead of "JANUARAIN".


Because Januarain is a pseudonym that I use solely when I upload my photography works. And as you may see, I don't really post much (or at all??) about my photos here, so I think it's only appropriate for me to change the name of the blog into something else. Although, I should probably go and make a separate blog  for that. I do have one on Wordpress though, but I don't like the theme so I'm planning on moving on here. Stay tune for another announcement in the future! ;D

Why 'Paper Heart'?

It's mostly influenced by the fact that I'm so OBSESSED with Jungkook's rendition of Tori Kelly's song, 'Paper Heart' (surprised! surprised!). He did a lot of English covers and 'Paper Heart' has always been one of my favorites (the second being Troye Sivan's Fools. I love me some Troye <3). So, yeah, there is that.

And also I think Paper Heart is a "term" that kind of... describes me(?)

You know, a heart made of paper.
It's white.
It's plain.
Sometimes it becomes an airplane and fly.
Sometimes it's getting crumpled and tossed to a dirty bin.
Sometimes it's clean.
Sometimes it's smudged.
Sometimes it's kept hidden, safe and sound, in the middle of a colorful binder.
Sometimes it's torn apart and getting stepped on at the side of a lonely road.

That is basically my life. LOL. So yeah, it's dramatic, melancholic, and for some reason has a ring to it. I'm all in!

On to the second one!

I'm fully aware that this announcement may not be pleasant for some people though. But as you can see (and read) that I have not wrote a single Indonesian word in this post. Why? This is actually one of the main problems as to why I rarely write (other than being busy with real life stuff).

I actually find it hard to write in Indonesian these days. It doesn't mean that I can't. I CAN but it's hard. The words just doesn't come out as easily as it used to.

I don't want people to think of me as elitist because of this, because I am not. My post from now on will probably be a mix between Indonesian and English, and I'm sorry if that's a little uncomfortable to read  for some people, but it's easier for me to write a post that way. I write faster and I can say what the hell I want by switching and mixing codes here and there. Please, don't think of me as not nationalist because of this. It doesn't have anything to do with my patriotism.

I do have plan on writing in full Indonesian once in awhile though. Like when I'm writing some random prose or poem. You know, the good ol' stuff. Lol. I don't know if I can still write like that though. I don't see myself writing sweet romantic words anymore. I don't know why. Somebody please love me xD lololololol

Anyway, that's all for the announcement!

I have a few ideas about what I should write for my next, next posts. I'll list them here so I don't forget (I seriously need to buy a specific journal for this).

1. Mental illness and my life around it
I'm pretty open about this now. I used to feel ashamed and don't want people to know that I have mental illness because I don't want them to think of me as a crazy person, but I've been learning to embrace myself. For the record, yes, I'm not ashamed of it, but I'm not glorifying it either. So the purpose of me writing about it (again) is not because it seems to be the "trend" nowadays or I want to look hip and emo (for god's sake I'm not 14). I'm fine now, I truly am. But mental illness has a longer history in my life than what some people may think. I know some of you probably wonder, 'Why is she suddenly having mental illness?' Well, it's not "suddenly". My last post is about the relapse of my suicidal phase. Yes, a relapse. My first 'trial' was thankfully stopped by one of my college friends. I'll get into it when I write the full post.

2. My sexuality
Wowowowowow, it's gettin' wild here xD lol. This won't be a coming-out story. I'm not going to come here and tell the world, 'hey i'm gay!' Naaaah. I just want to talk about it because god forbid an Indonesian young adult talking and questioning about their sexuality.

3. Going full-time freelancer (the positive and negative side of it)
I know. Most people probably think I am just a big, ugly trash. Sampah masyarakat. Useless piece of shit. Like, come on, what is she doing with her life? She must be unemployed. She must be leeching on her parents like a parasite. Well, believe it or not, I do earn some money to live. They are not a lot. I feel poor most of the time actually. My job is not grand. I don't have an office. And I'm not cool like my other college peers who mostly work for government or big companies. For all the right reason, YES, I am not cool at all. But I like what I'm doing, even though some people think it's a joke (even my friends do). So, ya, I will tell you more about becoming a freelancer and why I choose to become one.

I think that's all(?) I do have some more ideas though, but better finish this first I guess. I don't even believe myself if I can actually dedicate some free time to write these all XD My procrastination habit is getting WORRSEEEE. All I do these days is binge-watching Youtubers videos like a basic teen.

God, I need help.