Your words aren't just words.

Photo by Rosie Hardy

Pukul 02.25 pagi.

Seharusnya saya sedang menggambar sekarang. Seharusnya. Tapi nyatanya saya justru sibuk scrolling Twitter sambil menangis. Kenapa?

Jadi saya tidak sengaja baca di timeline ada salah satu fansite master dari band yang saya suka yang kemarin bunuh diri. Bayangkan, she's only 15... Lima belas tahun. So young. Some said she was bullied for her appearance. Not by her classmate, but by her own mother. 

Saya yang penasaran kemudian mencari akunnya. Nggak nemu sih, mungkin udah dihapus keluarganya atau gimana. Tapi saya masih bisa baca mentions orang-orang ke dia dari awal Januari. And i feel even sadder because the signs are clearly there.

Berhubung akunnya dihapus, saya nggak bisa baca original tweetnya. Tapi dari jawaban orang-orang yang mention dia, jelas banget dia sering mengeluh for being ugly and useless and such. And people tried to convince her that she's not. That what her mother said was wrong. That she's loved. That the fandom is her family and they will always support her. That she's not alone.

I know this feeling better than anybody. I know how it feels like to be destroyed by words. But she's just too young... I feel really sad  about this that I started crying. I just want to mourn for her poor soul. The pain must have been unbearable.

On her last note, she said this: 

"I ask you to understand that what I did was for my best, my peace is in death and not in life. I did not want to leave them, but the blade insists on piercing my skin and I do not have the strength to hold it (...) I'm sorry, I'm weak. I was weak. 

Do not give up on your dream. Keep running. Do not stop. Society overcame me, but DO NOT LET THEM DO IT WITH YOU."

Sekali lagi saya nggak bisa berhenti menekankan bahwa kata-katamu bukan hanya SEKEDAR kata-kata.

Your words aren't just words. They can make or break people.

Berhematlah dalam mencaci hal-hal yang belum kamu mengerti. Berucaplah yang baik. Respect other people's pain.

Jangan beranggapan bahwa ngomong kasar, mencaci seenak udel under the disguise of a joke adalah hal yang edgy. Yang keren.

No. It's not.

And yes, your word has the power to hurt someone to the point of breaking them.

Some people are lucky enough to survive, but some others are not.

You may be strong, but not all people like you. So, please be gentle with your words.

Do not be the reason of someone losing their self-esteem.

Do not be a dream ruiner.

Please, be kind. We're all just humans.

Selfish.

Image by Yuuta-apple

"If I ever meet God, I would tell Him this

That life is a coffee I never ordered.

I would grab Him by the collar and tell Him

Death is an americano you can't refill."

(RM - Always)

*

(This is a selfish poem.

This is about me and me and me and my selfish self.

Don't read it if you're easily offended.

Don't read it if my title post reminds you of yourself.)

For all this time I wonder what they meant by 'friend'?

I thought I had one or two before,

but now I'm not sure anymore.

Are you my friend?

Am I your friend?

I don't know.

You don't know.

All we did was laughing together but saying shits behind each other.

Is that what friend supposed to do?

If it is then we're friends.

You and I, both.

Oh, how easy it is to throw insults with a smile on.

All with one excuse, "Oh,we're friends anyway."

Oh, how easy it is to judge and blame without knowing the whole story.

Because of what?

Because we're friends anyway.

You can just brush it off and laugh it away.

And I'm left spending my nights plotting how to kill myself tomorrow or another day.

'Well, I'm sorry.'

Sorry?

Are you even sorry?

To you I'm just a fool who knows nothing.

I'm a kid.

I'm a coward. 

What else?

Oh, a clown.

A joke.

What I said was always wrong.

What I was thinking was always wrong.

My opinion is wrong.

My existence itself is wrong.

 It's my fault too for seeking validation in your words.

You can just say 'you're shit' and I'll believe it.

Does befriending me boost your self-esteem?

'Oh yes, this person is shit. Her mind is shit. I'm better than her.'

 To you my point-of-view is never important.

My story is never relevant.

Why would you hear me?

I'm a joke anyway.

"You are depressed? It's your fault."

"You want to kill yourself? It's your fault."

"You feel like trash because of what I'm saying? It's your fault."

My cry-of-help would probably look funny to you.

You won't believe me,

because to you I'm just a weird kid with a twisted mind. 

I'm always exaggerating.

I'm just a cry-baby. 

Sometimes I wonder,

should I slit my wrist in front of you,

and spill the blood on your bed sheet while you're sleeping?

Oh, the urge to see the realization on your face.

Yes, you're the trigger to all of this.

You and your hurtful words.

Should I be dead first for you to take me seriously?

Should all of this be "too late"?

But then you'd say, 'Oh my god, but she looked okay and happy before..'

Idiot.

I was faking smiles and pretending to be numb.

I pretended those words didn't just bulldoze its way into my head and left permanent scars.  

Left permanent scars and became a ghost.

The one that kept telling me, 

'You're wrong.'

'You're a mistake.'

'Everything you do is wrong.'

'Die.'

'Die.'

'Die.'

You gave birth to a demon inside my head 

and you don't even know that.

 You. Never. Know. That.

*

Why can't the world understand me?

I'm trying so hard to fit in and understand them,

but they never once did it to me.

Why can't they get what I meant?

Why can't they get me..