Selfish.

Image by Yuuta-apple

"If I ever meet God, I would tell Him this

That life is a coffee I never ordered.

I would grab Him by the collar and tell Him

Death is an americano you can't refill."

(RM - Always)

*

(This is a selfish poem.

This is about me and me and me and my selfish self.

Don't read it if you're easily offended.

Don't read it if my title post reminds you of yourself.)

For all this time I wonder what they meant by 'friend'?

I thought I had one or two before,

but now I'm not sure anymore.

Are you my friend?

Am I your friend?

I don't know.

You don't know.

All we did was laughing together but saying shits behind each other.

Is that what friend supposed to do?

If it is then we're friends.

You and I, both.

Oh, how easy it is to throw insults with a smile on.

All with one excuse, "Oh,we're friends anyway."

Oh, how easy it is to judge and blame without knowing the whole story.

Because of what?

Because we're friends anyway.

You can just brush it off and laugh it away.

And I'm left spending my nights plotting how to kill myself tomorrow or another day.

'Well, I'm sorry.'

Sorry?

Are you even sorry?

To you I'm just a fool who knows nothing.

I'm a kid.

I'm a coward. 

What else?

Oh, a clown.

A joke.

What I said was always wrong.

What I was thinking was always wrong.

My opinion is wrong.

My existence itself is wrong.

 It's my fault too for seeking validation in your words.

You can just say 'you're shit' and I'll believe it.

Does befriending me boost your self-esteem?

'Oh yes, this person is shit. Her mind is shit. I'm better than her.'

 To you my point-of-view is never important.

My story is never relevant.

Why would you hear me?

I'm a joke anyway.

"You are depressed? It's your fault."

"You want to kill yourself? It's your fault."

"You feel like trash because of what I'm saying? It's your fault."

My cry-of-help would probably look funny to you.

You won't believe me,

because to you I'm just a weird kid with a twisted mind. 

I'm always exaggerating.

I'm just a cry-baby. 

Sometimes I wonder,

should I slit my wrist in front of you,

and spill the blood on your bed sheet while you're sleeping?

Oh, the urge to see the realization on your face.

Yes, you're the trigger to all of this.

You and your hurtful words.

Should I be dead first for you to take me seriously?

Should all of this be "too late"?

But then you'd say, 'Oh my god, but she looked okay and happy before..'

Idiot.

I was faking smiles and pretending to be numb.

I pretended those words didn't just bulldoze its way into my head and left permanent scars.  

Left permanent scars and became a ghost.

The one that kept telling me, 

'You're wrong.'

'You're a mistake.'

'Everything you do is wrong.'

'Die.'

'Die.'

'Die.'

You gave birth to a demon inside my head 

and you don't even know that.

 You. Never. Know. That.

*

Why can't the world understand me?

I'm trying so hard to fit in and understand them,

but they never once did it to me.

Why can't they get what I meant?

Why can't they get me..

@soregerimis (Maret '16)

Photo by Januarain

HALO!!!

Maaf karena sudah membiarkan blog ini penuh debu dan sarang laba-laba. WOW. Saya 'berhasil' menulis 5 posts saja tahun lalu. Luar biasa ya. Luar biasa sekali malasnya.

Akhir-akhir ini saya lebih sering menulis dan membaca tulisan dalam Bahasa Inggris (untuk alasan universalitas karena follower di akun sosial media saya belakangan ini lebih banyak yang bukan orang Indonesia). Untuk karena itu rasanya sedikit aneh dan geli mulai menulis dalam Bahasa Indonesia yang (agak) baku ^^;;

Well, ini harus segera dibenahi! Biar bagaimanapun, saya tidak boleh merasa asing dengan bahasa nasional saya sendiri.

Untuk pemanasan setelah hibernasi panjang, ijinkan saya melanjutkan sebuah ritual yang dulu sempat saya tinggalkan; yaitu mengumpulkan twit-twit manis dan pahit hasil karangan saya sendiri. Karena pernah ada masa di mana saya menganggap Twitter adalah situs yang sudah ketinggalan jaman, maka saya lupa kalau di tahun 2014 saya sempat mejadi pujangga dadakan lagi dan mengoceh sendiri di linimasa. Muntah kata-kata yang ditulis dan dibaca saya sendiri.

Twit-twit di bawah ini adalah beberapa di antaranya.

(Oiya, saya ganti username, saudara-saudara! Alasannya biar sinkron saja dengan akun instagram saya. Hehe)

Selamat membaca! Semoga 2016 membawa angin baik untuk jiwa penulis saya yang sedang tertidur pulas.


**

The happiness that you shared yesterday, now evaporates. If we're indeed one soul, at this moment, can you feel the pain?

Belajar mempercayai mimpi untuk kemudian menghargainya ada.

It is not moving on. It is letting someone goes to the one who deserves him.

Yang kerudungnya udah sesuai ajaran agama, tapi pacaran. Yang kerudungnya masih sesat, tapi jomblo. Hmm.

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

"I’ve decided to make myself strong. As far as I can tell, that’s all I can do." -Haruki Murakami-

Satu shaf di belakangmu. Kelak.

Berdasarkan pengamatan, mencintai pun ternyata butuh belajar ya. Biar pas praktek nggak kemudian asal manut, cinta buta trus bego sendiri.

Falling in love is overrated.

You'll be the one who hug me so tight until all the broken pieces he left inside me stick back together.

There is always a thin line between being critical or just too dumb.

"I want you to know how sorry I am for pushing you away when I only meant to bring you closer."

Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life.

"The problem lay buried, unspoken...It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning."

"Aku akan mencintaimu diam-diam seperti sesuatu yang tak pernah berharap ditemukan." (M. Aan Mansyur)

Jangan pernah meremehkan konspirasi sepi dan sore yang berhujan.

"Yg pertama diperhatikan dari laki-laki itu agamanya, Nduk. Kalau agamanya bagus, niscaya segala macam hal yg baik mengikuti." -Bapak-

What can you afford with all of those pride and ego in your pocket?

Biar bagaimanapun, mau terbentuk dari apa lagi hidup ini kalau bukan dari 'temu' dan 'pisah'?

Untuk para hati yang tengah dilambungkan remah cinta dan bahagia, selamat malam.

Untuk semua hal yang pernah kau ajarkan, dengan jarak dan dalam diam, terimakasih. Terimakasih banyak.

Ah. Betapa dulu aku pernah sejatuh-dan-patah hati itu pada sosok yang bahkan belum nyata.

Dalam urusan percintaan, saya minoritas.

Hari ini berhasil membiasakan diri untuk tidak rajin-rajin merindukanmu.

Could you see yourself with somebody else?

"Karena Tuhan tidak menciptakan cinta untuk membuatmu pergi dari-Nya."

Perempuan kesayanganmu. Kelak.

O, look at how he holds her heart upon his chest. For how he kisses her grief and doth embrace the merry.

Mengapa perempuan ditakdirkan untuk begitu pandai merekam kesedihan?

You are missing from me.

“Aku selalu membayangkan kita sebagai novel tragedi yang kubaca dari bagian akhir hingga ke halaman pertama.” (M. Aan Mansyur)

"Pada sebagian orang, hujan membawa rindu yang tidak kunjung tuntas." (Raditya Dika)

You are the fire for my ice.

You just can't ignore them, but you do have a word on showing them to public or not: Feelings.

Somehow, sometimes, an earnest support is easily gained from people that you never know rather than those who are close to you.

"And if she'll ever see you, she'll only notice the silhouette of a lone stranger fading away in the mist." (Taya Iv)

"Do you ever get those pangs of anxiety where you feel like nobody likes you and nobody will ever like you and you will achieve nothing?"

There is a certain romantic clandestinity about our solitariness. And I love that.

Your touch ignite the unburned coal inside my veins. Blazing the love that was once on the edge of extinction.

Let us not be just an almost. You and I.

She found the beauty of being broken and forgotten that she almost forgot how solacing it is to be a whole and remembered.

Your lips are the doors to haven where my love is jailed to infinity.

Everyday he'd imagine tracing her scars with his fingertips, kissed them, and breathe the fire into her soul.

She loved him too hard, she broke her entire being.

Oh boy, we had the right love at the wrong time.

You are my favorite imperfect perfection.

You know I don't hate him. I just wish we never met.

Maybe she pretends to be in love to forget that she is actually in pieces.

Let's get lost in each other's eyes.

Your presence changed the taste of my words.

Will it be "us" if it is not "you"?

My words bleed every time they remember you.

Don't love me if you dislike being sad. My whole life is basically pages of melancholia.

Break a writer's heart and read how her ink dances on a piece of paper.

For him, that was a mere mistake. Something that he can retake. For her, that was a permanent tattoo. The one that she can't undo.

There is always a song that summarizes one moment. A perfect bundle of nostalgia.

You kissed me with the bitterness of uncertainty.

You love the season that I hate the most. We're as simple as that.

She wanted to take her heart back and realized it was already his since the beginning.

Oh, how I remember every song after you're gone.

He loved her in the briefest moment and remembered her for the longest time.

I looked at him with the adoration of the stars inside his eyes and said "Dear, you are spectacular." He frowned in disagreement, "You are."

“What we had was finished long ago - yet the words will not stop flowing.” — Lang Leav

She turned him into words and poems, hoping it could lessen the pain.

*